No one is going to read this.
Seriously, its painful enough that the final two for Big Brother 6 came down to Maggie, the nurse from Las Vegas, NV, and Ivette, the self-identified Cuban/Lain waitress from Miami, FL. But to relieve the finale by reading a recap and subsequently suffering through a bout of post-traumatic stress disorder? If youve even made it this far, youre quite the masochist. Or else youre my husband.
We open on Julie of the Helmet Hair, sporting a little black dress and enough shellac on her head to preserve the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel until the next millennium. The shot widens to show a Live! Studio! Audience! sitting in bleachers specially constructed for this auspicious occasion. The audience goes wild with applause and Julie shakes some hands with the common folk. Im sure there is an intern with a Costco sized bottle of Purell standing by.
Segue into recap footage of the Summer of Secret Semantics. The Friendship alliance members do not get the kindest cut during the blitzkrieg recappage. April and Ivette are shown crying! Wheeee! Who will be crowned winner of Big Brother 6? Kayser, Howie, Janelle, Rachel, Michael, Sarah and James, thats who. Hey, look, I forgot Ashleah, just like everyone else!
Julie encapsulates the recappage we just saw, and explains what the jury has seen and not seen while being sequestered in the Napa Valley jury house: footage of competitions, basically. No diary rooms, no regular house footage, nothing. Also, they have not been allowed to discuss the game with everyone, a move I find disingenuous by the producers.
But first! Julie wants us to hear from the Final Two, Maggie and Ivette, and their emotions at being in the finals. Maggie has emotions? This is new.
We start with Ivette, in her own words: I am blunt, honest, outspoken, loud. Those are the things I said I was going to be. Lets not forget obsessive, volatile, racist. Mr Gryn adds delusional, abrasive and grating. We are shown Ivettes ranting at Kayser to shorten his story, then accuse him of having no respect for women. No, dear, just you and your useless cronies. Ivette again threatens to go Cuban, which I still dont understand. Does it involve tobacco leaves, old Chevys and sugar cane? Ivettes family is one hundred percent her heart and she played the game for them. She forgets to mention ninety percent of that game play was for her Lord and Savior, Cappy.
Maggies turn. She and her weedy hair think they made it so far in the game because she had loyalty to a certain amount of people. She cant be specific as to numbers, apparently. She also claims a lot of it was not opening her mouth to speak up, even when it was tempting. Though that would have necessitated actually thinking of something to say. Maggie claims to enjoy attention outside of the Big Brother house, but the strong personalities made her think it would be advantageous to not fight with people. Its good to hear she likes getting attention, as she is sure to get a lot of it now. Tough luck for her that its going to be negative attention. Shes sure her friends (huh?) and family are wondering who she is right now. My rant: you cannot fake who you are for three months of the live feeds. We know who you are, Maggie, really are deep down. And you suck.
Back to Julie, thank heavens. She lets us know the jury awaits the final juror and their first chance to talk about the game itself. The scene changes from the finale set to the jury house, finally identified as Napa Valley, CA. I laugh as I am reminded of Marcellas rant on House Calls that they probably didnt go to Mexico because of April and Slutty Jenn, whom Ive heard has blown every man in San Jacinto County, Texas, kept saying they wanted to go on a beach vacation. If the producers actually did switch houses because of that, then I totally love them again.
The jurors enjoy a lovely northern California summer evening by settling themselves in some chairs in a courtyard. Slutty Jenn (Edwards County, Texas you can fill in the rest by now), April and Beau are on one side, Howie, Rachel and James are arrayed on the other. How shocking. Their faces are kind of grim and extremely unfriendly, except for April who thinks they are here to play with puppies and lick lollipops. Rachel asks, So who do you think its going to be? Slutty Jenn (Red River County, Texas) asserts it will be Janelle, and ignores Rachel when she asks why. April says Janelle or Ivette. James actually doesnt care who it is, and I believe him, for once. James wants the person who played the best game to win, not the one who kissed the most ass. He directs his impregnable stare directly at the Sorority Sisters.
Janelle shows up and there is much excited giggling and hugging. Jedi Janey exclaims, I was taken out by the Nerd Herd! She settles into a chair and explains she offered Ivette a chance to take her to the final two, but Ivette didnt take the deal. Howie says Ivette made a $450,000.00 mistake. Its like rubbing salt in Tushies wound there, Howster. Janelle argues for Ivette, saying she is a good person, though James points out that Ivette kicked her family in the butt by not going to the finals with Janelle. Beau gets bitchy (I know!) at James attitude. Blah blah blahing from Slutty Jenn (Fisher County, Texas), April and Beau about promises made between them, playing dirty, etc. James looks disgusted, rightly so, at their pomposity.
Howie asks Janelle why did Ivette play with integrity in the final week when her integrity was destroyed so many times before? He doesnt understand that. Janelle thinks that it was only in the Kayser week that Ivette didnt have integrity, and adds that none of the other Friendsheep did, either. Beau merrily agrees with that. James rolls his eyes, shoulders, hips and whatever else he can get to move and moans, No one played the game with integrity! Does the name Sarah ring a bell, James? Howie, though, is still not buying the Ivette = integrity thing, and mentions that at least Maggie kept her word. Except for when she broke it, of course. Janelle wants the person who played the game to win, not the person who played in the shadows. Rachel says that Ivette made it personal and is a big piece of trash in her eyes. Cant blame her on that one, after that goodbye speech. Beau shrugs his indifference to Rachels opinion.
Seriously, its painful enough that the final two for Big Brother 6 came down to Maggie, the nurse from Las Vegas, NV, and Ivette, the self-identified Cuban/Lain waitress from Miami, FL. But to relieve the finale by reading a recap and subsequently suffering through a bout of post-traumatic stress disorder? If youve even made it this far, youre quite the masochist. Or else youre my husband.
We open on Julie of the Helmet Hair, sporting a little black dress and enough shellac on her head to preserve the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel until the next millennium. The shot widens to show a Live! Studio! Audience! sitting in bleachers specially constructed for this auspicious occasion. The audience goes wild with applause and Julie shakes some hands with the common folk. Im sure there is an intern with a Costco sized bottle of Purell standing by.
Segue into recap footage of the Summer of Secret Semantics. The Friendship alliance members do not get the kindest cut during the blitzkrieg recappage. April and Ivette are shown crying! Wheeee! Who will be crowned winner of Big Brother 6? Kayser, Howie, Janelle, Rachel, Michael, Sarah and James, thats who. Hey, look, I forgot Ashleah, just like everyone else!
Julie encapsulates the recappage we just saw, and explains what the jury has seen and not seen while being sequestered in the Napa Valley jury house: footage of competitions, basically. No diary rooms, no regular house footage, nothing. Also, they have not been allowed to discuss the game with everyone, a move I find disingenuous by the producers.
But first! Julie wants us to hear from the Final Two, Maggie and Ivette, and their emotions at being in the finals. Maggie has emotions? This is new.
We start with Ivette, in her own words: I am blunt, honest, outspoken, loud. Those are the things I said I was going to be. Lets not forget obsessive, volatile, racist. Mr Gryn adds delusional, abrasive and grating. We are shown Ivettes ranting at Kayser to shorten his story, then accuse him of having no respect for women. No, dear, just you and your useless cronies. Ivette again threatens to go Cuban, which I still dont understand. Does it involve tobacco leaves, old Chevys and sugar cane? Ivettes family is one hundred percent her heart and she played the game for them. She forgets to mention ninety percent of that game play was for her Lord and Savior, Cappy.
Maggies turn. She and her weedy hair think they made it so far in the game because she had loyalty to a certain amount of people. She cant be specific as to numbers, apparently. She also claims a lot of it was not opening her mouth to speak up, even when it was tempting. Though that would have necessitated actually thinking of something to say. Maggie claims to enjoy attention outside of the Big Brother house, but the strong personalities made her think it would be advantageous to not fight with people. Its good to hear she likes getting attention, as she is sure to get a lot of it now. Tough luck for her that its going to be negative attention. Shes sure her friends (huh?) and family are wondering who she is right now. My rant: you cannot fake who you are for three months of the live feeds. We know who you are, Maggie, really are deep down. And you suck.
Back to Julie, thank heavens. She lets us know the jury awaits the final juror and their first chance to talk about the game itself. The scene changes from the finale set to the jury house, finally identified as Napa Valley, CA. I laugh as I am reminded of Marcellas rant on House Calls that they probably didnt go to Mexico because of April and Slutty Jenn, whom Ive heard has blown every man in San Jacinto County, Texas, kept saying they wanted to go on a beach vacation. If the producers actually did switch houses because of that, then I totally love them again.
The jurors enjoy a lovely northern California summer evening by settling themselves in some chairs in a courtyard. Slutty Jenn (Edwards County, Texas you can fill in the rest by now), April and Beau are on one side, Howie, Rachel and James are arrayed on the other. How shocking. Their faces are kind of grim and extremely unfriendly, except for April who thinks they are here to play with puppies and lick lollipops. Rachel asks, So who do you think its going to be? Slutty Jenn (Red River County, Texas) asserts it will be Janelle, and ignores Rachel when she asks why. April says Janelle or Ivette. James actually doesnt care who it is, and I believe him, for once. James wants the person who played the best game to win, not the one who kissed the most ass. He directs his impregnable stare directly at the Sorority Sisters.
Janelle shows up and there is much excited giggling and hugging. Jedi Janey exclaims, I was taken out by the Nerd Herd! She settles into a chair and explains she offered Ivette a chance to take her to the final two, but Ivette didnt take the deal. Howie says Ivette made a $450,000.00 mistake. Its like rubbing salt in Tushies wound there, Howster. Janelle argues for Ivette, saying she is a good person, though James points out that Ivette kicked her family in the butt by not going to the finals with Janelle. Beau gets bitchy (I know!) at James attitude. Blah blah blahing from Slutty Jenn (Fisher County, Texas), April and Beau about promises made between them, playing dirty, etc. James looks disgusted, rightly so, at their pomposity.
Howie asks Janelle why did Ivette play with integrity in the final week when her integrity was destroyed so many times before? He doesnt understand that. Janelle thinks that it was only in the Kayser week that Ivette didnt have integrity, and adds that none of the other Friendsheep did, either. Beau merrily agrees with that. James rolls his eyes, shoulders, hips and whatever else he can get to move and moans, No one played the game with integrity! Does the name Sarah ring a bell, James? Howie, though, is still not buying the Ivette = integrity thing, and mentions that at least Maggie kept her word. Except for when she broke it, of course. Janelle wants the person who played the game to win, not the person who played in the shadows. Rachel says that Ivette made it personal and is a big piece of trash in her eyes. Cant blame her on that one, after that goodbye speech. Beau shrugs his indifference to Rachels opinion.
