[Cue Julie Chen at FOTH]
"Three months ago, fourteen house guests walked through these doors to compete for the half-million dollar plwize, prize. Now, only two remain~ their fate remains in the hands of the seven-member jury, who tonight, will vote live to crown the winner of Big Brother Five. The finale starts now."
And thus begins tonight's Loser Fest.
Skippy, finally allowed to step outside the control room, shows us a Live! Audience! with Chenbot shaking hands and giving high-fives as if she really cares about anything other than Les Moonves. Her stylist seemingly cares even less. I swear I'd have preferred her in a pink polo with the collar up.
The audience is full of people who obviously didn't watch the live feeds and have signs saying things like "Fitness Twins.com" and "San Diego *hearts* Drew". My sign would have said "Overg is my Fave!" The BB announcer tries to say "This Season..." twice, while the audience goes batshit crazy, but finally manages to complete his sentence the third time with "This season on Big Brother Five, fourteen house guests moved in to compete in an intense power struggle
for half a million dollars". Footage of the house guests entering the house on the first day is shown, complete with the Champagne toast, as the announcer continues with "On day two, the first shocking twist was discovered.", as Cowboy tells Nikomis that they have the same father, (Uncle Dad).
"A powerful alliance was formed..." as the four horsemen were shown bonding, *fist bops*, "and they quickly took control of the house."
At this point, I've already rewound my VHS tape about two dozen times and refilled my wine three times. I get to see Mike and Lori leave the house over and over again, although the magic of those moments is long gone.
The announcer, seemingly sober, presses on. "The girls formed their own alliance to battle against the horsemen". Video of the first pinkie swear is shown, as I show my own middle finger to the screen.
"Drew stunned the horsemen, by nominating an ally for eviction..."
Form a shield!
At this point I stopped and pondered why I didn't love Drew at this point. HE was the one who put Holly on the block. He deserved my undying praise and adoration! Sadly though for Drew, I still thought of him as a dolt. Cool sideburns, for sure, but still a dolt.
See Drew cry.
See Holly go buh-bye.
"And the tables turned."
Diane is shown nominating Scott and Jase. Natch, Scott is evicted, and the horsemen are down by one. One idiot, that is.
"With the Horsemen fractured, a second twist shocked the house". Footage is shown of Julie Chen announcing the Adrian/Natalie twin twist. I snicker just as hard as I did the first time, as everyone believes that the twin was Holly's.
"And for a brief moment, the group was united in a goal to evict Jase". Goodbye Jase. I rued the day. I really did.
"The peace was short-lived, when the twins went on a power trip and turned on their own". Well, my stomach turned, that's for sure.
We get to re-watch Will's eviction, complete with his lame boomerang quote.
Smell ya later, karma!
"But, their decision came back to haunt them". Video of both Natalie and Adria getting the boot(ylicious) is shown. Bye Borg!
"The girls then set their sites on the men of the house, [insert Marvin's eviction] but worried about the bond between Karen and Nakomis, Diane switched sides." Okay, we all know why Diane really switched sides. Because she's a needy, emotionally immature, controlling bitch.
Karen's back-dooring comes next. (more whine anyone?)
"Michael FINALLY won his first competition, and chose Diane over his own sister, (bastard. Nak skips off into the sunset.) pitting himself against Diane and Drew in the Final Three. Drew prevailed as the ultimate HOH, forcing him to make a difficult choice". In other words, Fuck you, Diane. And good riddance.
"Now only Drew and Michael remain. It's been eighty two days of intense competition (recapping)... vicious betrayals (recapping)...close bonds(recapping)... heartache (recapping) ...triumph (the end of recapping). Twelve house guests have departed empty-handed,and tonight, the decision rests in the hands of the jury. Who will be crowned the winner (wiener), and walk away with $500,000?" [yawn]
"Find out NOW, on the live season finale of Big Brother Five."
Drew and Cowboy are shown toasting with their glasses of Champagne, as the music drowns my senses. Or maybe it's the wine.
I must give my brain and my VCR some rest for tonight.
Still to come~
Stupid questions
Stupid answers
and a stupid winner.
"Three months ago, fourteen house guests walked through these doors to compete for the half-million dollar plwize, prize. Now, only two remain~ their fate remains in the hands of the seven-member jury, who tonight, will vote live to crown the winner of Big Brother Five. The finale starts now."
And thus begins tonight's Loser Fest.
Skippy, finally allowed to step outside the control room, shows us a Live! Audience! with Chenbot shaking hands and giving high-fives as if she really cares about anything other than Les Moonves. Her stylist seemingly cares even less. I swear I'd have preferred her in a pink polo with the collar up.
The audience is full of people who obviously didn't watch the live feeds and have signs saying things like "Fitness Twins.com" and "San Diego *hearts* Drew". My sign would have said "Overg is my Fave!" The BB announcer tries to say "This Season..." twice, while the audience goes batshit crazy, but finally manages to complete his sentence the third time with "This season on Big Brother Five, fourteen house guests moved in to compete in an intense power struggle
for half a million dollars". Footage of the house guests entering the house on the first day is shown, complete with the Champagne toast, as the announcer continues with "On day two, the first shocking twist was discovered.", as Cowboy tells Nikomis that they have the same father, (Uncle Dad).
"A powerful alliance was formed..." as the four horsemen were shown bonding, *fist bops*, "and they quickly took control of the house."
At this point, I've already rewound my VHS tape about two dozen times and refilled my wine three times. I get to see Mike and Lori leave the house over and over again, although the magic of those moments is long gone.
The announcer, seemingly sober, presses on. "The girls formed their own alliance to battle against the horsemen". Video of the first pinkie swear is shown, as I show my own middle finger to the screen.
"Drew stunned the horsemen, by nominating an ally for eviction..."
Form a shield!
At this point I stopped and pondered why I didn't love Drew at this point. HE was the one who put Holly on the block. He deserved my undying praise and adoration! Sadly though for Drew, I still thought of him as a dolt. Cool sideburns, for sure, but still a dolt.
See Drew cry.
See Holly go buh-bye.
"And the tables turned."
Diane is shown nominating Scott and Jase. Natch, Scott is evicted, and the horsemen are down by one. One idiot, that is.
"With the Horsemen fractured, a second twist shocked the house". Footage is shown of Julie Chen announcing the Adrian/Natalie twin twist. I snicker just as hard as I did the first time, as everyone believes that the twin was Holly's.
"And for a brief moment, the group was united in a goal to evict Jase". Goodbye Jase. I rued the day. I really did.
"The peace was short-lived, when the twins went on a power trip and turned on their own". Well, my stomach turned, that's for sure.
We get to re-watch Will's eviction, complete with his lame boomerang quote.
Smell ya later, karma!
"But, their decision came back to haunt them". Video of both Natalie and Adria getting the boot(ylicious) is shown. Bye Borg!
"The girls then set their sites on the men of the house, [insert Marvin's eviction] but worried about the bond between Karen and Nakomis, Diane switched sides." Okay, we all know why Diane really switched sides. Because she's a needy, emotionally immature, controlling bitch.
Karen's back-dooring comes next. (more whine anyone?)
"Michael FINALLY won his first competition, and chose Diane over his own sister, (bastard. Nak skips off into the sunset.) pitting himself against Diane and Drew in the Final Three. Drew prevailed as the ultimate HOH, forcing him to make a difficult choice". In other words, Fuck you, Diane. And good riddance.
"Now only Drew and Michael remain. It's been eighty two days of intense competition (recapping)... vicious betrayals (recapping)...close bonds(recapping)... heartache (recapping) ...triumph (the end of recapping). Twelve house guests have departed empty-handed,and tonight, the decision rests in the hands of the jury. Who will be crowned the winner (wiener), and walk away with $500,000?" [yawn]
"Find out NOW, on the live season finale of Big Brother Five."
Drew and Cowboy are shown toasting with their glasses of Champagne, as the music drowns my senses. Or maybe it's the wine.
I must give my brain and my VCR some rest for tonight.
Still to come~
Stupid questions
Stupid answers
and a stupid winner.
