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Annnd, we're back. Oh no. It's the... martial arts segment. He's deluded. I swear to you, I have never seen anyone so deluded in my life. A wet noodle could kick that boy's ass.

Strategery in the backyard as Diane and Drew talk about possible scenarios for noms and Veto. They go into the kitchen to explain their evil plans to Cowdookie who just doesn't get it until it's totally spelled out for him. Di explains that they all know Karen isn't going on the macaroni this week which only leaves Diane, Drew and Cowcrap. So, if Nak noms Drew and Cowshit, they all play for veto and if Diane wins it and uses it, it'll force Nak to put Karen on the macaroni and 2 of the 3 of them with voting majority which will send Karen packing. (sob)

Why, oh why can't Diane have hatched a plan with Karen and Nak instead? Oh that's right. Because Diane isn't thinking with her head. Do you all think we'll be invited to the wedding?

More commercials! I love pizza.

*Waves to the fish* Diane hates fish. They've named all their fish in the fish tank.

Nakomis talks about how strategy changes as you get further into the game. Dramatic shot of Nak looking over the key wall, Nak putting keys into the box, and Nak calling everyone in for the nomination ceremony. We've all heard the speech before and no, it hasn't changed. Diane is the first one safe. Karen is the second. Drew and Cowcrap up on the macaroni.

Cowturd asks Drew if he really thinks they can trust Diane. Drew says yes because he knows he's mesmerized her with his evil charms. He tells CB it's because Di is too afraid of Nak and Karen. Discussion of who the other will take to the finals. Both assure each other that the Horsemen will triumph! Or some such shit. Hell, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. I have a truffle! Mmm.. chocolate..

Swiffer! I love my swiffer. However, I would never swiffer someone else's house. Is that woman on crack or what? Maybe she needs a truffle.

Recap: Thursday, Sept. 9th


In the land of Previouslies, Mayor Voiceover Guy dramatically tells us the following:

1) Marvin was booted
2) Nak won HoH
3) Nak nominated Drew and Cowturd
4) Diane won Veto and used it on Drew
5) Nak was forced to put Karen up in his place

Of course, he used extreme amounts of dramatic license and took about a zillion times longer to say it than I just did.

*Blink, blink goes the eye*

Hi Chenbot! What the hell? Is this Armageddon? Is the world coming to a fiery end? Chenbot looks. professional. Huh. Ill be waiting for the apocalypse over here.

We get the fade to color and are immediately assaulted by Diane and her lying lies in the diary room. Why is she wearing her hair like Pebbles from the Flintstones? Enquiring minds want to know. She tells Karen that she knows Drew will vote the way hes said. Karen and Nak commiserate in the backyard. Karen doesnt want to be back-doored and Nak worries that she promised Cowdung that if it was a tie, he would be staying.

We watch Diane mislead Nak and Karen into thinking that shell be voting Cowcrud out, when in reality, she fully plans on voting Karen out. I snicker just a little bit as Karen asks Nakomis, Do you think shed lie that good to our faces? Um, YES! Hello?! Earth to Karen?! Later she DRs that she doesnt trust Diane much and is worried that she and Drew have been playing all the hamsters all along. Ding, ding, ding! What does our lovely contestant win? A trip to sequester house where she can be assimilated by the Borg Collective! Yay, Karen!

Next we have Drew and Cowsludge playing cards out in the backyard. Theyre discussing getting to the final two and their plans for next week. They seem fairly confident that Diane will be voting out Karen. Drew says one of them must win HoH and keep Diane from winning it. Cowmuck says, through mangled teeth, Yew an I weal be tha fiynal tew standin. Interestingly, Drew doesnt respond. Diane comes out to do her laundry and CB heads inside. Diane looks at Drew and says, After all of this, youre not going to screw me over for Cowboy, are you? Drew shakes his head no, but Di persists and makes him swear it to her. What I wouldnt give to see him go back on his word.

Back to Chenbot in the studio. She rehashes with the hamsters and asks them what it was like to have two HGs leave within 48 hours. She tells Karen that the winner of BB5 will walk away with half a million dollars and asks her if shes thought about that. Karen replies that shes currently on the block and doesnt want to get ahead of things. Foreshadow much?

Way to taunt the hamsters, Chen! As a reward, I think you should eat a raisin! Just one now. Dont want you going crazy or anything.

On to the Diary Room where Drew and Diane share some thoughts about Cowshit. Unless theyre talking about what a waste of space he is, Im not listening.

Commericals! Wake up with the King is the new Burger King commercial? CREE. PEE. Ill pass, thanks.

We return and Chenbot announces the vote. Karen is evicted. She gets up says, Thanks for back-dooring me.. That was great. thank you. to Diane. A few more words are exchanged and Karen walks out the door. Diane flips her bitchcakes lid and starts hollering about everyone hating her. Nakomis tries to reason with her and calm her down, but its pretty much useless.

Chenbot greets Karen and asks her to have a seat. Karen spends the entire interview on the verge of tears. Surprise! She talks about how difficult and draining being in the house is and how much she misses her family. The Chenbot finally has to cut her off and tells her shell be back on finale night to cast her vote.

A few more commercials. I think I liked Ladder 49 better when it was called Backdraft.

Who will be the next HoH? Lets find out! Poor Nakomis cant compete as outgoing HoH so we have Drew, Diane and Cowmanure playing. The Chenbot asks a bunch of questions about events in the BB house that I cant answer. Like, Was the hot tub unlocked before or after Lori got covered in mud during the Treadmills of Terror HoH competition? In the end, Drew wins HoH and secures a place in the final three.

In less than 2 weeks, well have a winner of BB5. Will we all be so disgusted by then that well swear off the show forever? Stay tuned to find out!

Nightfall on the BB house brings the requisite fat montage for the season. Each year, BB has one hamster that gains weight in the house. If I was on this show, it would totally be me and all of you would be laughing and pointing. Trust me. This year, its a montage featuring Diane. Diane asks Nakomis if avocados are fattening and she replies in the affirmative. Diane says that must be where her gut is coming from. With a quick succession of not so flattering shots of her stomach and footage of her eating, BB assures us that this poor girl is fat. Except shes not. At all. As Nakomis wisely points out, Diane bitching about gaining weight is stupid. She went from a zero to a oneoooh, says Nak. Of course, The Shit Head Wearing a Cowboy Hat decides he has to open his mouth and make a comment. I decide I dont have to listen and go get some potato chips.

Next we have some strategery in the backyard with the Trio of Turpitude. Theyre discussing the veto and how it will play out with Nakomis and Diane on the macaroni. Drew DRs that he wants to have Diane, Cowmanure and himself in the final three. So this week hell nominate Diane and Nakomis for eviction and hope that either he or Cowtard wins veto and doesnt use it. Then, he wants Cowshit to vote Nakomis out of the house. I say a pox on thee, Drew. A pox!

This works for Diane though. She had the infamous pinky swear with Nak and a direct promise with Drew and she cant have it both ways. This way, shell be off the hook and wont have to break either promise.

I want that Folgers Home Caf machine. Mmm. Coffee.

Shrinking table alert! Its that time of year, folks. The table is now a normal size for four people with only four chairs. Ahh another year almost complete in the BB house. Its a little sad, isnt it?

The hamsters talk about how proud they are to have made it to the final four. Cowdung talks about how Scott and Jase should be proud that two of the four horsemen are in the final four. I talk about how the apocalypse should just get here already.

If you were sickened in previous years by ChiWhora & Roddy or Eric & Lisa displays, look away from your television now. Once again, BB feels the need to show us just how much wittle Drew and wittle Diane LUV each other. Even my dogs are throwing up. Diane DRs that it might be love while Drew DRs that he may not feel the same way toward Diane outside the house. Diane has picked out china and Drew is getting an unlisted phone number. Sweet, isnt it?

Daylight brings us NY strip steaks on the grill. Stupidly, the hamsters let Cowscuz cook the steaks. Needless to say, he ruins them all. Nakomis DRs that he single handedly ruined fifty dollars worth of good steaks. Figures.

Commercial break hocking Windex, Hidden Valley Ranch, KFC and diamonds. I like three out of those four things.