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Then we cut to Alison and Jun in the hammock. Basically, they talk about who they trust more: Jack or Erika. Jun trusts Jack and Alison trusts Erika. In the diary room, Jun notes that it was a huge move on Alison's part to come talk to her, which it was. I like Jun. Personally, I think the only one's who really knows what's going on, but she hides it by being bubbly and cute. Smooth. Anyway, Alison is scared of Jack. She thinks he's playing it weaker than he really is: "If he's throwing the competitions, then why would I want him on my team? And if he's not, then he just flat out sucks and he shouldn't be on my team anyhow." I hate to agree with her, but she's right. Alison then says that there are only three votes, and if her and Jun vote the same way, they have more power than the HoH. But the problem is: can you fully trust Alison?

A shot of shirtless Robert! My eyes! My eyes! God help me! My eyes!

The next day in the BB house brings whining about food and Jun is starving. She thinks she's dying. She's delirious. She's so weak, she can barely hold on to a piece of toast. And I can practically hear everyone laughing at her, because Jun has gained so much weight in that house. I feel kind of bad for her thoughhow many people can say they gained about 15 pounds in front of America AND had a special BB segment devoted to it? Yikes. So there will be no "Jun is fat!" jokes from me. If anything, I'm around her size, so now I know how I'd look on tv. Thanks, Jun! Anyway, Jun bitches in the diary room about Jackass Jee and how it's his fault they're all stuck eating PB&J. Of course this all leads up to...

The Luxury Food Competition! Remember Marcellus from last year? Well, he's baaaack and he's brought gnomes. Apparently, the gnomes are the only friends he has (besides Lisa from last year) and obviously he can't get any post BB3 work. If he could, do you think he'd be back on this year's show? I think not. The editors piece together a little segment which shows Marcellus popping up around the yard, placing gnomes here and there and everywhere. Sneaky, gnome-hiding music plays in the background as he does this. And then he suddenly disappears! Yay for the magic of editing!

Inside, Jee hands out jumpsuits to everyone (Erika of course, gets a pink one), the HG's all go into the backyard. Jun describes it as "Gnomeland! It was beautiful...there were tumbling hills and flowers and a little spring meadows with gnomes!" Awww. Of course, everyone reminisces about Marcellus and his special little guy, Boo. I thought he sold it on eBay after the show for rent money. But maybe I'm wrong.

Marcellus voice comes over the loudspeaker and everyone is excited and happy. Jee calls it a "huge surprise" and that he was excited to hear a former HG. Erika yells out "I love you!" and Marcellus returns the compliment. Basically, what the HG's have to do is smash the gnomes, and the first one that finds three gold tickets wins five McDonald's meals with the HG of their choice. Everyone screams and salivates in food deprived delirium. But of course, there's a twist! Some of the gnomes have black dust hidden inside of them, courtesy of the three sequestered HG's, the Mantroll, the Midget and "Cute little Nathan" as Marcellus calls him. Aww, Marcellus thought Nate was hot.

Once they're dressed, Jee announces that each hamster is to bring a certain piece of clothing to the backyard: Jack: black sweats, Jee: Orange shorts; Robert: booger-encrusted red tank top; Jun: that hideously ugly black fishnet top; Alison: white hoochie shorts and Erika's pink hat of fugly! Yay! Say goodbye to the pink hat of fugly! Erika, of course, screams out "Bastards!" while Jun diary rooms that "when she puts on that hat, she looks like a sick little boy." Which, you know, she does. It's a truly hideous hat. Talking about each other's soon-to-be-sacrificed clothes follows.

The hamsters walk down a torch lit pathway, which Erika notes with mock sadness, "there had to be a sacrifice." I guess she really loved that hat. Anyway, a big flaming drum kettle flares up and Jee reads out the rules: if all the HG's burn their fashion faux-pas, they get a new designer wardrobe. God, I wish they'd burn Robert. He's just a walking faux-pas. Rid the world of Skeevebert!

Erika goes first. She really enjoys herself, walking to each item, picking it up and twirling it around, while dancing in front its owner. I think Jack really enjoys it. *cough*. Finally, Erika settles on Jee's orange shorts for all the shitty things he's put her through: double nominations, PB&J and just gracing her with his presence. She really, really gets into the burning of Jee's shorts. She whips her head around, acts possessed and finally throws Jee's shorts into the fire, where they land with a big, flaming whoosh. Actually, it's all quite amusing. It's as though Erika's dreamt of becoming a clothing pyromaniac all her life.

Jun goes next. She picks Jack, because "he's the person who would take it the least personally." And she's right; it's not like Jack can never buy a pair of ugly sweatpants again.

Alison burns Jun's fishnet top. The girls are really getting into this whole sacrifice thing: screaming and yelling and reverting to acting like teenagers. Jack burns Alison's hoochie shorts nexts and Jee burns Robert's tank top. I wouldn't touch that thing with a ten foot pole. It's been on Robert's body. Ew. Anyway, Jee says that the tank top is *pink*, not red. Like that means anything coming from the 'three men who want to marry each other' alliance, right?

Robert is given the honor of burning the Pink Hat of Fugly. Let us all bow our heads and remember how much we hated seeing it with the "PHoF's Funeral Reel"Erika wears the hat in the backyard. She wears it in the shower. Gosh, she loves her hat. Robert then puts it on and his lice burrow into the material. The other HG's start a rousing chant of "Burn that hat!" and into the fire it goes. Erika then warns that "the pink hat will come back" which reminds me of this creepy story I once heard about a ouija board haunting some girl who dared to throw it out. When she woke up the next morning, the board was lying next to her. The pink hat will curse Robert the same way. When he wakes up one morning, he'll find the Pink Hat of Fugly permanently stuck to his head! Too bad it wouldn't attach itself to his face. Voila! Not only would we never see his face again, but he wouldn't be able to pick his nose! We're killing two birds with one stone, people.

Wednesday: Julie looks anorexic in a matching brown top and skirt, which is quite pretty, IMO. For God's sake Julie, eat a cracker. Go buy some Ramen noodle soups. Something, anything!. Also, I think she's wearing a wonderbra, because as my mom noted, "it looks like her top is too tightand she's too skinny to be that big up there." See? Women just like to rip each other apart for fun and sport.

Julie also tells us that tonight's vote will be live and only three hamsters can vote: Skeevy, Jun and Alison. We're then shown the "Hamster Starvation Reel" which is all of the HG's, bitching and moaning about how hungry they are. Yawn. Get to the vote! Anyway, it's just a clever way for BB to shill McDonalds a little more, while Robert throws another food deprived hissy fit. I hope they spit in Robert's food. I would have gladly done it for them. I would have even started up a spit collection, if needed.

The conversation then shifts to Erika and Jack, who will be, *sniffle* split up tonight. Erika tells Jack that she's only seen her father about 5 times in 10 years and that he's more like a father to her. Awww. Gameplay talk abounds and Jack compares Erika's BB game play to that of rummy. I think Jack likes to mix his metaphors. Talk about staying in the house and not trusting Alison becomes the main topic. As everyone knows, she's playing both sides. Alison trash talks Erika, which is quite boring, because I hate Alison. With her, it's like: Pot. Kettle. Black. Jun then says that she would not trust Alison with anything, not even her newborn son. Duh. Meanwhile, the Skeeve Alliance says they need Alison. No one knows where she stands, but we'll find out tonight.

Back in the studio, Julie talks to the hamsters. She compliments how nice they all look and then holds up a tiny piece of Jun's sacrificed fishnet shirt. Jun, who's wearing a really pretty pink dress, says she can just go and buy a new one. Attention department store owners: do not sell Jun another one! If you see her in your store, heading for the fishnet section, kick her out. Thank you.

More boring talk about Jee going cold turkey on smoking and Robert on the PB&J diet follows. It's just a way to fill the show. Julie then points out that both Erika and Jack are up for nomination tonight, and asks if they have anything to say to each other. Both say that they'll miss each other and blah blah blah sappiness. What did Julie think they were going to say? "Gee, Jack, I'm so glad you're leaving, because I hate you." or "Erika, I think you're hot and I wish you wouldn't think of me as a father?" I hate filler. Erika, btw, is wearing a pretty, Asian inspired midriff top and Jack is wearing what looks like a black suede jacket, but for some reason, it just looks weird on him, like he dropped it in a pile of dust and then halfheartedly tried to dust it off.

After the commercials, Julie gives us more filler by visiting with the sequestered houseguests. Nate and Dana are water skiing. Water-skiing. There is NO justice. They should be starving and eating nothing but PB&J and having violent, explosive diarrhea and NOT having fun. BB4 should not be a fun-filled, all expenses paid vacation!

Anyway, Nate's grown some facial hair in compensation for the fact that he shaves the rest of his body hair off. You know, I never found Nate to be hot. I mean, he's pretty, but there are all kinds of pretty and Nate was just *too* pretty for me. Dana's all nervous about which hamster will show up next, so back to the house they go. Nate wants to see Ali, so he can "snuggle" with her. Aw, he's still trying to convince the rest of America that he's straight. Sorry, hon, but it's not working.

Back at the house, a hat teasingly appears and it's...Justin! Bleh. Dana is thrilled and it looks as though Nate is just as happy as she is. The word, "Threesome!" suddenly pops over Nate's head and now I have to go shower, because writing that made me feel dirty. Dana is so happy. She has her buddy back and now they can have a good time. The three losers watch selected BB clips, and both Dana and Nate seem disgusted with Alison, although just a few seconds before Nate said he wanted to snuggle with her. Moron. Make up your mind! I guess he's just a little bummed out, because he knows that he's on the outside. Dana and Justin have each other and Nate only has his hand. :sigh: Young love. Ain't it a bitch?

Back in BB land, Julie lets Jack and Erika speak to the houseguests. Normal, boring blather from the both of them. Does anyone ever change their mind in the last, split seconds? Robert is the first HG to vote and of course, he votes our Erika. Shut up, Ugly.

Jun is next. Wow, do I love her dress. She also seems to be wearing one of those specialized pendants that Robert and Erika were showing off. I wonder what her picture is of. Bob? Anyway, as expected, she votes to evict Jack, which leaves Alison as the loose, plague-filled cannon.

Alison casts her vote: She votes out Jack, meaning that she's sticking with the girls! Woo hoo! My respect for her has just gone up 2%. She's not my favorite, but hey, she's better than the Skeeve Team. It's time for Julie to break the bad news and Jack is evicted from the house, 2-1. Everyone begins the farewell walk to the door and I'm pleased to note that Robert and Jee look disgusted. I'm always happy when those two are unhappy. It just brings are warmth to my cold little heart.

True to form, Alison then runs to Erika and Jun and tells them exactly what the Skeeves told her not to say. I don't think you could write comedy better than this. She even says, "Don't tell the boys. The boys told me." Interwoven in the mayhem of disappearing objects, are scenes of a shirtless Robert. I'm going to be blind by the time I finish writing this recap. I just know it.

Time for the HoH competition. Julie informs them that they're going to be quizzed on the items that have disappeared. I stick a huge hat pin into the brain of Robert's voodoo doll. Alison gets the first question right, followed by Jun, who answers the next two correctly. Erika gets the next one right and the girls laugh in excitement. They know Robert is going to lose, big time. Meanwhile, I stick the hat pin even deeper into my Robert voodoo doll. It seems to be working. Robert answers the next question and fumbles with it, until Julie practically spoon feeds him the answer (Q: All of you have one of these; A: Amanda's picture) That's SO not fair. They should let him finish with a big, fat ZERO. Erika gets the next question right, which makes her and Jun tied for first. Jun gets the next question and Erika falters on the last one (which I think she did on purpose, just so Robert couldn't answer it), which means that Jun wins HoH.

I can't even describe Jun's behavior when she finds out she's won HoH. It's almost as though she just found out she won the crown of Miss America. Actually, now that I think about it, her reaction is quite similar to when she won the Veto. She fans her hands around her face and shrieks, while Alison and Erika scream with laughter and hug her tightly. It's so great. It's possibly the greatest moment in BB4 history so far, because the Skeeve Alliance KNOW they're screwed. Done. The words "Dream" and "Team" should be banned from the house indefinitely and both Jee and Robert should pack their bags and just walk out of the house right now.

Finally, Jun breaks free from the Alison/Erika hug and Jee is forced to place the key around her neck. You know, I'm already dreaming of either Robert or Jee's eviction next week. If Robert is kicked out, I really hope that NOW will be waiting outside the house for him, ready to beat the living crap out of him with their picket signs. Anyway, the girls are elated, still giggling and hugging each other, while Robert looks thoroughly miserable. A miserable Robert = a happy She's With Stupid.

Back in the studio, Julie promises a surprise for Jun, as she's the one being removed from the house. Where is she going? I know! I know!

Commercials: Time for me to grab more pins for my Robert voodoo doll. I'm aiming for the crotch next.

Friday: Blue screen filler and overdramatic announcer recaps the past week. Personally, I could watch Jun winning all day. Why? Because I know her win brought Robert great pain and suffering.

Reflections on Jack leaving: In the diary room, Jee is really bummed out that Jack left. Awww, too bad. And just like before, he expected Erika to leave and she didn't. She's Jee's bad penny. You know, I'd pay for Erika to randomly pop up in Jee's life outside of the BB house. Think about how freaked out Jee would be! Meanwhile, Erika explains she told Jack that Alison was threatened by the guys, just in case one of the Skeeves makes it to the finals. It's like BB4 insurance for her, unless she gets kicked out, then she can explain it to Jack face-to-face at Sequesterville.

Alison says that Jun wining HoH is an amazing victory for "the Angels" and that the guys were pretty ticked off at her. You know, even though I hate Alison, I still have to give her props for playing the game her way. If she keeps her word and sticks with the girls, at least two of them will make it to the finals, even if one of the guys wins HoH next week.

Day 54: Alison apologizes to the guys and proudly states that she worked the crap out of them, while Erika laughs because she thinks she's haunting Jee's nightmares now. Hee. In another scene, Alison walks over to a pissed AWF Robert, to which he says, "I don't even want to talk to you now." Oh, I bet Alison is SO hurt by this. Really. I bet she ran to her room and cried because Booger Bob ( someone more clever than me) didn't want to talk to her.

And now for the BEST part of the show: Robert is pissed AWF, man. He's more pissed than Dana ever was or will be. In fact, compared to Robert, Dana's anger is nonexistent. He can't believe that one of these "evil girls" will win. He refuses to vote for Alison or Jun, because he hates them both. Robert regrets that none of the Skeeve team took out "those bitches." In the diary room, Robert reflects that you have to be evil and horrible in real life to win; in fact, "the bigger scumbag you are, the better you do in BB4." He cannot comprehend that "these three whores, these sluts" will win. He sees no good in any of them. They're so evil and slutty, Robert refuses to eat with them or even hang out with them (boo hoo for them), because he's afraid their evil, slutty ways will rub off on his saintly, golden demeanor. And if you haven't gotten it by now, in Robert's eyes Erika, Alison and Jun are the three most evil whores, sluts and bitches to ever walk the face of the Earth.

Because watching these morons suck, the BB art department used their free time to put together a "Missing" flyer of Jun. Shots of this alternate with "Clue #1," which is a large, purple apple. Actually, the apple looks more eggplant-y in color and it's dark enough for Hildi on Trading Spaces to use it on the walls of a kitchen. Anyway, it's in the middle of the backyard and it's the first clue in this week's veto competition.

Erika is the first one to run into the backyard, followed by everyone else. while Alison reads the rules out loud: they need to figure out what city Jun is in and where she's at. When someone has an answer, they'll ring a bell and then head over to the diary room to tell BB it. None of the hamsters figure it out and then, we get about five minutes of filler, while everyone tries to figure out what a big apple could mean and what kind of major events are going on the country. Robert works with Jee to beat the whores, but honestly, it's like watching dead air with the word, "fair" thrown in for good measure. Robert, do you even know the meaning of "fair"? Do you know how to do anything but pick your nose and use the word "whore" in every other sentence?

Erika thinks that the apple might have to do with a casino in Las Vegas called, "New York, New York", while Alison wonders if Jun is in "Washington D.C. or Washington State" because that's the apple capital. Alison, honey, those are two separate places, on opposite ends of America. Someone give this girl a globe and a set of geography books, please. Despite all this, Erika is confident she and Alison will figure it out, because "they're smart girls."

JeeI'mSoScrewedThisWeek then walks into the living room and bluffs that he figured out the answer. Of course, Erika and Alison know that he's joking, because Jee is a moron who can't think without someone controlling him.

And now onto the Money subject: Jee marvels out loud that one of them will be walking out with the half million dollars. Erika just wants to take care of her mom, while Jee would like to get a head start on the rest of his life and buy his parents a home so they wouldn't have to rent anymore. Neither of them would splurge, although Erika would like to travel. It's all reasonable. Meanwhile, Robert stares at them with a look that says, "I have a daughter! I'm using her to win people over! How dare both of you try to upstage me by talking about your own families!"

And then the editors have some fun of their own. As each hamster goes to bed, a little "dream cloud" pops up above them. Hee. In Jee's dream, he says he just wants to buy a house for his family. Awww. Erika dreams of buying her mom a little house, because she's worked so hard during her whole life. Awwww. Alison's dream focuses on Donny, that is, if he still wants to be with her. She'd like nothing more than to start a family with him and then pay off her and her brother's college loans. I hear you. Those loans are a bitch.

And of course, there's Booger Bob. You'd think he'd mention his daughter, right? Well he doesn't. What Booger Bob wants is "A C4 Porsche, just like his lawyer has!" Gee, Robert, you're pretty friendly with your lawyer. In addition to the Porsche, Robert also wants ANOTHER Rolex. Dude, how selfish can you get? What about your daughter? Remember her? She's the one that sent you that nice letter that you won during America's Choice (America, by the way, y'all were on crack). If anything, Robert comes across as the world's most selfish pig in this episode. Yuck. Any woman who wants to get with him because he's been on tv, deserves the STD she'll eventually get.

Commercials: I think I've given up on Survivor after Jenna won last year.

In the backyard, Alison goes over to the Skeeve Alliance and they talk about nominations. Alison realizes that she has zero chance of winning this game and Jee begins tallying up the votes for/against her if she were up against Jun. She loses. Despite that, Alison says she's proud of the way she's played this game. I have a hunch a certain football player in Pennsylvania doesn't feel the same way, sweetie.

A new day in the BB house brings Clue #2: a videotape. Everyone runs into the backyard to 'ooh' and 'ahh' over it, but still, no one gets it. Robert announces that "Jun's going to get the HoH!" and everyone laughs. Shut up Robert. Finally Robert figures out what the clues mean: "Apple tape!" Ha ha ha ha ha. Shut up again, Robert.

Quick shot to Jun, who is primping herself in a bathroom mirror, before holding up a black dress. Then she comes bouncing out wearing nothing but a towel. Oh Jun, haven't you learned anything about using a towel as your only piece of clothing? Anyway, Jun says she's psyched to be back in NYC and then goes back into the room to finish dressing.

Back to Boredom Central: The Hamsters are still confused. Robert thinks she's at some kind of taping, while inside, Erika thinks she's a guest on David Letterman's show. Ha. Like he'd let someone from BB on. He hates talking to the Survivor castoffs as it is. Suddenly Alison says, "Where are the MTV Music Awards this year?" Duh! Run, Alison, run! Ring the bell! She doesn't.

Back to NYC and Jun: She's waving to people from the limo and probably confusing pedestrians who have no idea who she is. Jun says she's really nervous, even though she thought she wouldn't be. I have to say that Jun looks really pretty and glowing. Awww, good for her. Lucky bitch.

And back to the house: Alison says that the veto is vital for the Skeeves. It looks like she's wearing one of those personalized pendants, but hers is backwards. Maybe it had Justin's picture on it. Ha. Anyway, everyone is still confused. This is getting so old and I'm getting extremely bored.

Finally, Clue #3! Everyone runs out back to find a huge, life sized Astronaut sitting in the middle of the basketball court. Suddenly, it comes to life, roaring, "Nosepicking Chauvinists make me MAD!" and rips Robert's head off. Erika cheers! Jee cries. Alison, needing a man, tries to make out with the astronaut, even though he's still wearing his helmet. BB is dragging this out so much, my brain is coming up with more interesting things. Erika calls it "the Veto competition from HELL!" and we cut to a commercial.